Dude, Seriously? How do you not have a stripper name?

Misquote of the day:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
– will.i.am, August, 1974
(in response to the Watergate Scandal and the resignation of President Richard M. Nixon)

During the current state of the economy, it’s pretty easy for some of us to come up with some crazy money-making schemes. My friends and I have come up with our fair share of crazy ideas that could compete with the likes of Kenan & Kel, Pinky & the Brain, and McCain & Palin (I can’t help but smile when I think of those two and their crazy adventures). Anyway, a common career path I’ve always entertained is that of a male exotic dancer.

Now before you get to judgin’ and whatnot, you’d be surprised how many guys have considered this as a way to make ends meat (tee hee hee). Apparently, most guys are in agreement that in order to pursue a career as a professional rump shaker, you have to have a good name.

The stripper name can tell more about a guy’s personality than the “Info” section of Facebook ever could. The funny thing is when you ask a dude about his stripper name, nine times out of ten, he will respond instantly. Dude, seriously, why do we think about this stuff?

So if you are one of the sad, sad fellas that do not have a name to call their own, don’t worry, we can fix this. There are only two rules to creating a stripper name:

Rule #1: Don’t talk about Fight Club. It’s not going to help the situation. And the last thing you want to happen when you are trying to figure out your booty bumping persona, is some never-ending conversation about “what it all meant” and “how the book was better yada yada yada”.

Rule#2: For the love of God, no chocolate. I’m sorry if I’m hurting Chocolate Thunder’s and White Chocolate’s feelings, but the chocolate in your name thing is not the way to go. I think it’s the equivalent of getting a Japanese word tattoo. The purpose of this is to show some personality and creativity people. Let’s not get lazy here.

With these rules in place, you are more than ready to wander the man-thong corridors of your mind to find yourself. Now your eye candy identity can range from the ever-so-eloquent Lex Studdington to the not-so-eloquent Bo Jangles. Whatever you choose, make it good and let it reflect who you are. Let the name choose you. Yeah, it’s that serious.

Trust and believe, once you have figured out the name of your exotic-dancing alter-ego, air will taste sweeter and colors will be brighter. Also, when you and your friends start to refer to each other using only your stripper names, it makes conversation a lot more interesting. For example:

“What’s up Lex?”

“Sup, Bo?”

“You look down. What’s going on?”

“Well, I was at work yesterday just hanging out by the water cooler with Jack Hammer, Oscar Mayer,and Smash Crenshaw, when Chance Longstrong came up to us all bummed out.”

“What was wrong with him?”

“Well, you know that he’s dating my sister, Hello Kitty.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he thinks that she’s cheating on him with that dude she always hangs out with, One Night Stan."

“Dude, seriously.”

“Seriously dude.”

For those of you that think this is pretty ridiculous, I want you to know that I didn’t make up a single stripper name in this whole blog. These are all names of friends and people I work with. If you think you know your friends and your co-workers now, ask them about their stripper name. Just don’t ask your dad. Nothing good can come from that interaction.

As for me, let it be known, if my current job doesn’t work out, then you can head to your local Chippendales club to see me shake what my momma gave me.

“Ladies, get your dollar bills ready and put your hands together for Chip Strippenstuff.”
(cue “Who Let The Dogs Out? – Baha Men)




This is a promotional photograph from my “Weapons of Ass Destruction 2014 World Tour”.